Published August 8, 2007
Through trees as dark as night
lies a village full of light
with trees swaying in the breeze
and water running through the streams,
with bricks piling high
and the sun shining in the sky,
the paths stretching oh so long,
and the birds sing thier lovely song,
woods of green will cast no shadow
and watch the deer run through the meadow,
the birds will be nesting in the trees
and the cattle will be much at ease,
squirrels jumping with great measure
and the sunset is newcastleton's greatest treasure.
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This seems like a run on sentence split into line breaks to become poetic. Remeber: punctuation is a good thing, and it is essential in poetry so you can shape a poem.
At the moment, it seems like you're trying your best to make it rhyme -- don't. Really, poetry does not need to rhyme. Emily Dickinson made all these nature poems and she didn't have to rhyme completely, so neither do you. What she did was present a lovely host of images and put some reflection in it. Check out some her poetry (located here: http://209.10.134.179/113/index2.html ) and have fun.
Also, you're using lots of words like "and" and "the." Ask yourself before you write, do you really need to have those words? Nouns and verbs are what you want, so the fewer other words you need, the better off you'll be.
Ah, I see Jabber got your punctuation. Then I shall take rhyme and rhythm =) I think this would be better if you tried for a consistent rhythm throughout the piece or perhaps couplets would be nice seenas you already have the rhyme scheme for that. Simply edit your lines so that each couplet has the same number of syllables in each line.
Also, some of your rhymes are rather simple and you should try to avoid half rhymes. For example, 'breeze' and 'streams' don't rhyme so perhaps try and change one of the lines.
Oh and, near the top, it should be 'swaying' rather than 'saying' and you start too many lines with and.
Overall though, it's a nice little poem and you have some good nature images in there.
Hey, it's Woodland Wolf! Welcome to YWS! We met in the chat, remember? Ja? No? Well, I'm gonna crit anyway. I hope I'm somewhat helpful.
I'm a big grammar nit-pick, sorry!
You use lots of commas and no periods.
You don't need any commas at the end of these lines. They're still sentences, even in a poem.
No comma is needed between these two lines.
You could probably put a period at the end of this. Also, it's "their" not "there".
Another period could be used at the end of this line.
Very lovely! So descriptive, you've done so well with your imagery--a good poetic device to use! You got a good piece here, very good! Bravo!
Any questions or comment, PM me! Always happy to help and/or listen!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!